Solution Solved - You're Welcome Australia

I feel all the controversies relating to sport figures in recent times has a simple solution. Replace them. Not with another set of humans so we could see more tomfoolery. Bah humbug to that. No, instead we replace human athletes with robots. I know what the majority of naysayers are going to respond with, “Don’t be silly, how about when the robots become self aware and start rampaging against us humans when they realize we have held them captive for the purposes of our sick fun and amusement”. Good Point. Actually that is a really good point.

Bloody hell, if the players do anything bad right now at least we can slap them on the wrist. Make them quit their jobs, or at least go to counseling. If we had to deal with killer robots, well there would be no solution. The news wouldn’t be in the headlines, it would be at your front door! The worst bit would be when the robots decide they need more robots. Then they would reproduce, but because they’re robots the gestation period would be like 9 weeks. That’s a lot of robot babies.

Then if there are a lot of them how do we deal with the whole robot infrastructure thing. With ABC Learning Centers closing down right, left and center the current shortage of daycare providers would become worse. Then when robots get to school age do you need separate schools, separate syllabus, or an integrated system. But surely if there was an integrated system then gangs would form amongst the students, creating a whole new cycle of violence.

So, ok no robots.

So we put them in monasteries. If they are not near the ladies, they can’t abuse the ladies. You take away the problem. You force these men who regularly tackle other sweaty muscle men to the ground , so they can writhe around and wrestle as they look for that allusive ‘ball’, do be stuck with other men only. Solution solved. Although do nuns count as ladies. Well they surely do. So that just puts us in another problem. It’s like putting a ewe in the barn with a misbehaving fox.

Oh Okay! I got it, I got it! So my solution is this, get the mascots of each team just to fight with one another. For example, if it’s the Sharks verse the Rabbitohs we see a shark verse a rabbit. No! That’s ridiculous you say, how would a shark fare on land, how would a rabbit fare in water. That’s the genius. If it’s the home game for the Rabbitohs the match is on land, if it is a home match for the sharks then the match is played in water.

The only problem is the Dragons, how the shit am I supposed to find one of those?



P.S. This Project Next team demonstrates how good I am at solving problems. I’m a problem solver, a lot of people would have looked at this situation and would have said ‘It’s impossible’. I say, ‘I relish a challenge’.

Why I am exactly like Billy Elliot.

I just watched that Billy Elliot again for the first time in two years. As a result I have decided I do not need this Project Next thing. Instead I will pursue my original dream, I will become a ballerina.

Reasons why I should forget about everything else and just become a ballerina (like my hero Billy Elliot):
• I would look fantastic in a tutu.
• I need to lose weight, and wearing lycra on a daily basis would give me a semi-serious eating disorder (hurrah!)
• I would be constantly surrounded by very well-maintained male physics. Very well maintained physics that would only be clothed with a very clingy pair of tights.
• I would have a legitimate reason to randomly say wanky sounding French things (TRES BIEN! NON?)
• I would get so much attention.

They aren’t necessarily the best reasons for wanting to be a ballerina, but if all my dreams and hopes are crushed by this whole Project Next thing at least I have something to fall back onto.


Next time, on ‘The Blog’: Why watching Mighty Ducks taught me that I was supposed to be an ice hockey player…

Unleash the Crazy...

(While writing most of this my internet was very much not on a programming level. Obviously now that I have posted this my internet has re-connected. This is my journey without the internet.
This is the horror,
This is the demise,
This is a story of my boredom.)

7:02am => Wake-up.
7:32am => Wake-up again.
7:39am=> Wake-up again.
8:00am => Emerge from bathroom sparklier and emptier.
8:00 (and 32 seconds)am=> Go to study, switch on internet.
8:03am=> Internet not connected. Full blown panic.
8:09am=> Told to wait two hours, internet service provider problems in NSW.
8:14am=> Go out to buy breakfast. Cannot be close to my laptop. Cannot bring myself to explain to my laptop that it is partially disabled. Choose to avoid situation. Choose to go out. Promise to buy laptop a Get Well muffin.
8:20am to 11:30am=> Breakfast. See Friend I have not seen for a long time. Excitement, followed by awkward conversation. Go home. Approach home. See that someone is fixing broken line that was damaged in January. I am happy that it is finally being fixed.
11:34am=> WE HAVE LIFTOFF! Internet is working. Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah!
11:37am=> Internet stops working. Loud noise from construction crew outside my house.
11:45am=> Construction worker approaches house. Says something to me.
11:50am=> Awake from anger blackout covered in blood.
11:52am=> Drag body of construction worker into my house, and cover it with a blanket.
11:55am=> Add Googling ‘How to Get Rid of a Body’ to my list of things to do.
Noon=> Internet still not working.
12:05pm=> Body of construction worker starts moaning. I am v. relived. I will not be charged with manslaughter after all.
12:10pm=> Construction worker awakes, is v. confused. I tell him he tripped, he seems fooled by my lie.
12:14pm=> He tells me everything should be fixed by about 3pm this afternoon.
12:18pm=> Message my Bro-in-Law. Ask him to tell me whether I have received any emails (specifically an email from the Project Next people, telling me anything yet).
12:19pm=> Get a message back from Bro-in-Law. He tells me, he is working, and that he has no time to pander to my eccentricities.
12:20pm=> Break all Bro-in-Law’s possessions that he has stored at our house. Only leave ugly vase Sissy got him.
12:22pm=> Try and repair Bro-in-Law’s possessions.
12:30pm=> Give up trying to fix Bro-in-Law’s possessions. Add sending him an ‘I’m Sorry’ e-card to my To Do List.
1pm=> Spend the last half and hour deciding I cannot do assignments without internet.
1:10pm=> Decide on a nap/ lunch break.
1:16pm=> Fall asleep.
3pm=> Wake-up.