Terrorism - is now – no longer an option

Last night I watched the film ‘The Bornhoffen Mistakes’*, and I realized that my life-long dream of being a conceptual artist/terrorist is unfortunately unable to proceed. Apparently terrorists have to be amazingly good looking. Not good looking in the sense that they have such an abundance of charisma and sense of danger that they become good looking. They need to be super good looking. Like I mean ‘blow things up on Saturday’ and then ‘model a nice set of woollen jumpers for a fancy catalogue on Monday’- good looking.

I could maybe manage modelling the before shot in a before and after advertisement. Maybe.

Plus to be a terrorist apparently you have to be uber-cool. So cool - that when you bathe - you take a bath not a shower, lest the awesomeness simply wash off and go down the drain. You have to view everyone else as being constrained by their bourgeoisie/imperialist constructed middle-class morality, which you are so above.
You have to spout long lines about how the revolution is coming and about how certain things are keeping us captors. How money drugs us. How fashion brainwashes us. Blah blah blah, something Mao said. Blah blah blah something Che said. Blah blah blah followed by big boom, followed by more blah blah blah.

It looks like a lot of wank followed by some fire and running around.

So disappointed. Being a person of Middle-Eastern heritage becoming a terrorist has long been a dream of mine. I had even been shopping around for a certain organisation. Now I have taken what was previously my shortlist and thrown it in the bin. Terrorism does not look fun enough. Oh and all that killing looks horrific.

So this Project Next thing better work out, either that or I am throwing myself into ballet.

*The film is actually called The Baader Meinhof Complex, but I can’t and I shan’t remember that. So the film is ‘The Bornhoffen Mistakes’.

P.S. ASIO this was a blog for funny. I know someone in some dingy office is shaking their head and saying terrorism is never funny. How true, I say, how true. Or they maybe saying I’m not funny. . How true, I say, how true. Just please whatever you do ASIO, don’t arrest me. I’m too charismatic for prison, I would inevitably cause a riot causing tax-payers in these tough economic times to foot an extraordinary bill. I wouldn't be able to help it, I'm just that good at inspiring people.

Racism is Bad, so very Bad...

I cannot say much. So I will say this.

Gruen Transfer is in trouble about racism
+
Gruen Transfer is a Zapruder Production
=
ABC and Zapruder bigotry
Therefore Feyz says BOOO! BOOOO! Outraged! Outraged! Never will watch… Won’t buy… Won’t support…

ABC and Zapruder Bigotory
+
Hiring Ethnic person on another Zapruder Production
=
PR Solution solved
Therefore Feyz should get a job on Project Next as penance for racism.

Therefore solution solved!


P.S. I know Zapruder was very respectful of the situation. And Feyz would like to say the views represented in this blog in no way represent her own.

Feyz Mehri – Official Biography

Feyz Mehri - born in the mountains were mortals dare not stray - was the second child of the God and Goddess Truth and Justice. Thrown out of the heavens when she was just a babe by her spiteful and ugly older sibling the Banshee she was lost to her immortal family. Fortunately, Feyz was found by a kindly, childless and somewhat elderly farming couple in the hillsides close to the heavens and the couple adopted the babe as one of their own.
At the age of seven her adopted mortal land experienced civil strife. Just a child Feyz chose to enlist in the army and whilst in the service single handedly saved her small kingdom from being ransacked by brutal invaders. Lauded as a hero amongst her people the King rewarded her by making her the betrothed of his heir the Good Prince of Topbicepians (or as he was more commonly known amongst friends, Hugh Jackman).
While growing up in the court of the King she was trained in the arts of being both Queen and Warrior. Her intelligence and skill coupled with her remarkable beauty made her renown through all the lands of the world. An asset to any kingdom, she was lauded as the Queen of Queens and one of Who’s most intriguing people of 45 BCE. She was essentially a very well liked individual.
And as her incredible feats grew to be more remarkable her name was eventually heard even by the Gods. Many of the Gods embroiled in damning PR scandals thought it may be a good publicity move to do a Photo Op with the woman who was getting more praise and worship then they were. But on the day the Photo Op was to occur the Banshee - recognising Feyz Mehri as her long lost sister – kidnapped the Queen of Queens.
Luckily the valiant Prince Topbicepian noticed his betrothed’s absence and gave chase. Unfortunately in too hastily giving chase he neglected crucial safety procedures and fell off his horse which instantly killed him. Luckily where he fell was close to where Feyz Mehri had escaped from her captors, and she instantly found her true love’s horse and body. Unfortunately after finding her true love’s body she was too shaken to finish her escape.
Lying down next to her true love she screamed at the injustice of it all. Her father being the God of justice felt a deity cringe of a job not well done, and feeling bad about his lack of professionalism on the job sought to redress the justice he had denied. They agreed that as Feyz Mehri had gotten such a bad deal in this incarnation of her existence she should be reborn again.
Reborn in the year 1990, Feyz Mehri’s recent incarnation was born as an over-indulged member of the middle class. Enjoying films and books, she hopes to one day also follow her dreams of being a ballerina.

An Opportunity without a Chance

I am getting ready for an inevitable rejection.

To prepare myself for my own vortex of never-ending despair I have stock piled all the things I will need to get me through.

These things are:

Tissues – some are for crying. The others are for mixing with water to make myself a Tissue – Mache hat, for when I get bored in the very lonely place I will take myself to.

Torch - so that I can always remember the light in my time of darkness; and also so I can shine a light on the wall and play shadow puppets.

Tea-bags – inevitably I will be crying hot-salty tears. This will dehydrate me. So I will collect all those tears then dip in tea-bags, re-digest and hey presto, tasty hydration. Some say make lemonade out of lemons, I say make tea from tears.

Tools – there will be a moment in my anger and self-loathing where I will think I shall live in this angry moment forever. I need the necessary tools to dig myself out of this. Tools like confidence, passion and a shovel.

Television – I will watch a lot of this. Nothing more. I will just watch a lot.

All these things start with T. T is the 20^th letter of the alphabet, therefore, I think it will take me 20 years to get over this horrible rejection.

In that time I could have had a family, found true love, studied for multiple degrees.

Instead I will wallow. All because someone gave me an opportunity of a lifetime. Good one dickheads.